Thoughts · and · Prayers

Goodness I'm sleepy today.

As I mentioned earlier I've been reading a self-help book, (as dangerous as that is), and have been learning some great tidbits of interpersonal information. So I thought I would take the time to share one today.

In a relationship, when we come across behavior from our special person that rubs us the wrong way we have three choices of possible action. We can accept the action, reject it, or tolerate it. For my example, I will use a common one girls and guys inevitably struggle with, the stinky, smelly, farting, burping boyfriend. (Humor me, this technique works on important issues as well.)

Accepting the behavior is part of unconditional love. Accepting the behavior says my boyfriend is stinky and smelly. He farts and burps, but that is part of what makes him loveable and unique.

Rejecting the behavior doesn't necessarily mean rejecting the person. Rejecting the behavior says my boyfriend is stinky and smelly. He farts and burps and this is just not acceptable to me. Then you proceed by telling your boyfriend how his behavior makes you feel. "When you smell gross and act inappropriately it makes me feel belittled, disguisted, etc." Then you say something like, "if you continue to participate in this behavior while I am around I will leave the immediate vacinity which you are occupying." Basically you must give him an ultimatium. You are saying, I don't approve and this is what I'm going to do if you don't cherish the feelings I have shared with you about this issue. Finally, you close by asking him what he thinks, in essence, how he intends to solve the problem.

Sounds a little harsh, doesn't it. I'm sure most people in most relationships vote for number three, tolerating the behavior. While this option seems like the most humanitarian and least conflictual thing to do, it is actually the one thing you shouldn't do.

When you tolerate a person's behavior you disagree with how they are acting/treating you, but you say nothing about it. You decide for the sake of both of you not to make a scene. The tolerating individual says nothing. When you are tolerating, what you don't count on is the resentment this action creates. The next time you are in an argument guess what you are going to bring up to hold against your lover - that thing you said you were okay with, that issue where you tolerated their position.

Accept or reject, but don't tolerate. It leads to resentment, which eventually poisons your love. It makes you feel justified in your arguments though your mate had no idea how you felt. Resentment is a sickness that will eventually tear you apart.

Well at least I'm learning, even if it is in retrospect.

I was going to title this spiritual leadership, but then how boring would that be. So here is my question, in this day and age of gender liberation and role reversal must a man be the spiritual leader of the home?

Let me build my argument. First of all I am from a very traditional home. My dad is a pastor, my mom is a nurse. My mom does the dishes, my dad takes out the trash. Thats just the way it is. That isn't necessarily the way I feel about things, and not just doing chores.

If I am involved with a guy who cooks better than me (and I know more than one of those), then why wouldn't I negotiate a role reversal with him. It just makes sense for both of us. His strong area is cooking, so why should we stick to the principle that cooking is a nurturing activity, therefore should be performed by a woman.

Now, if that makes sense about cooking why wouldn't it make sense about spiritual leadership? When I think of the activities involved in spiritual leadership I think of my father, selecting which church we would attend, how often we would attend, planning times of family worship and prayer, as well as intimate times where he and my mother went to God together. When I was a child he helped my siblings and I memorize scripture, taught us the meaning of salvation and other spiritual truths, as well as helping us to prepare our hearts for baptism and communion. When you call home for a recipe, you talk to mom, when you call home for prayer, you talk to dad.

Why can't spirituality be a woman's job. My parents and coworkers want me to find a man who can spiritually lead me and they feel this man must be a very strong spiritual leader because I have been raised in a faith-filled home as a pastor's daughter. In other words, they probably want me to marry a pastor. My parents and even some close friends are willing to overlook many a fault as long as this person is strong spiritually.

Looking at this from a strictly biblical standpoint women shouldn't take spiritual leadership in a home. And they also shouldn't be permitted to speak in church, and must wear a head covering while praying, (or is that men?). Anyhow, my point being, much has changed since Biblical times, and while I don't wish to challenge heavenly authority, this is a question worth wrestling with.

What do you think, or what part of the argument am I not thinking of?

Always,
Christy

Self Help Books are tricky. Instead of helping me move through past relationships, they alert me to all the things I could have done right and didn't. They in fact aren't very self helping at all, but I am learning a lot and who knows maybe I will get another shot someday and be able to do it right then.

I do know this, going to Mississippi just because I want to be near my family is not the right thing to do. Not having a close community has made me get real with God and with myself. I'm willing to go to Mississippi or just about anywhere for that matter. Location doesn't matter. For the first time though, I honestly feel that I am creating community. I am reaching out to people around me, as hard as that is and as much as I really don't want to.

So to answer the question, am I moving or staying here? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm going to do the small things, the things I know to do everyday. Like my laundry and the dishes. And today I'm going to go pay a bill at SIUE. And when I have a chance I'm going to be a part of the community, like when I took pictures for the mayor at the hospital on Sunday. This is a new process for me, so if you are my friend, and you are reading this, and I'm acting weird, be patient.

I don't feel ready to move on, but I do feel ready to reciprocate. I originally felt like moving home was the "right" thing to do and the "right" path to take. Because there is a certain degree of protection there. I won't screw up spiritually or morally when I'm at home, because I can't. Because it's easier to be good than bad. I think that God is teaching me to be patient and that I can listen to Him and follow His will and do the "right" thing, even when I'm not under my parents watchful eye. My values need not be changed just because no one is enforcing them.

So to every friend I have that thinks I should stay here, and I can't think of one that doesn't, you just might be right. Thanks for being here for me.

Always,
Christy

To everything there is a system and a process, and if you understand the systems and processes that make up our lives, life flows smoothly. I really believe that. Not all of life, but much of it can be reduced to a simple set of actions taken to manifest a result. I don't say this to be scientific, or philosophical. I say it because it works for me.

Breaking up is also a processes. One I thought I fully understood, but I forgot one key area. See, the process goes like this: You break up, but stay friends, and try as hard as you can not to cry. As soon as you are alone you do what you what you must, burst into tears, eat a tub of ice cream, etc. This is the time you are allowed to have pity for yourself. Then you call a close friend, family member, whatever, to be there for you. You don't need a group of people. Just one person. (The problem with a group of people, the larger the group, you'll probably get at least one person who doesn't really care, but thinks your situation is interesting and proceeds to tell you THEIR interesting break up story.....don't ever be that friend).

Then you put everything in a box. You take down pictures, you put away cards, clothes. Everything he gave you. More crying insues here (and you definetly have to do this alone because mothers and well meaning friends will trash all the keepsakes, and that is just as bad as leaving them all up). Keeping it, but putting it away allows you to forget about it. Because you aren't parting with it.

Then you take your mind off your pain. No more pity allowed. Think of anything but him. Do something fun. Begin to see life again for all it is worth. Take about a week before you let people know, and don't complain about what happened, simply state the facts. Never speak badly about him and if you must date other people realize that the first six months will probably only be rebounders....hold off if you can.

I did all those things and today I am mostly okay. I still cry ocassionaly, and sometimes I'm mad, but I'm okay. But in all my planning, and trying to cope I forgot one huge thing. If you are a woman, after you break up, your self-esteem just might be in shambles. Mine is. When you are dating there is someone in the world who sees you just for who you are and thinks you are beautiful. It isn't about your hair, or your clothes, or your style, you just have it. But when you are single, the only people who think you have anything are those people who want whatever it is you've got in the worst possible way.

What I heard of the Democratic national convention goes a bit like this - notable democrats are given five minutes to speak. The first three they spend introducing themselves, and by the time they remove themselves from obscurity there is only time to make one quick no naming names jab at the Republicans. They effectively say nothing, except that when they take office they aren't gonna be like the republicans, all the while OBVIOUSLY reading from a teleprompter. Who invented those anyway? Makes otherwise sophisticated statesmen look like robots. Then there are those moments when you know the teleprompter has to say something like: (applause), and the room is silent....thats why teleprompters are WRONG!

Next complaint - Kerry should put his voting record where is campaign mouth is! He's parading around as the Vietnam vet with 3 purple hearts having all the men he served with announced before he comes on to speak, all the while voting against measures to support troops - repeatedly.

And how do you like this concept: we just want to be friends with the whoooooole world - international buddies. Damn Bush for sending jobs overseas to those Chinese. To hell with the Mexicans. Sounds like a schizophrenic pageant barbie doll.

Now for the final blow....the Wall Street Journal covered Kerry's economic plan, which shortened is: Levy taxes on the wealthy and corporations and give tax breaks to the middle class, then add a TON of new social programs, and then half the deficit. Wow, better hope those rich guys are really raking it in.


Now, completely separate from politics,
Advice on 14thc. French Room decorating - taking the focus off the room and putting it onto its inhabitants.
A good room includes:
~Attention to detail
~Indulges multiple senses
~Has a transporting, fantastical quality.

Written by a woman giving a review of a museum that recently added risque mannequins to bring stiff French rooms to life. Read her article here - http://slate.msn.com/id/2104300/ on slate magazine. Great magazine by the way.

And now for a quote from a philosophy book I'm reading
"Another test of any religious person or any 'religious nation,' is whether that person or nation needs an enemy, somebody or some group to scapegoat or demonize." Lou Marinoff - Therapy for the Sane

And one last thing from Oswald Chambers
"We are not true to one another as FACTS; we are true only to our IDEAS of one another. Everything is either delightful and fine or mean and dastardly, according to our idea."

What I heard of the Democratic national convention goes a bit like this - notable democrats are given five minutes to speak. The first three they spend introducing themselves, and by the time they remove themselves from obscurity there is only time to make one quick no naming names jab at the Republicans. They effectively say nothing, except that when they take office they aren't gonna be like the republicans, all the while OBVIOUSLY reading from a teleprompter. Who invented those anyway? Makes other wise sophisticated statesmen look like robots. Then there are those moments when you know the teleprompter has to say something like: , and the room is silent....thats why teleprompters are WRONG!

Next complaint - Kerry should put his voting record where is campaign mouth is! He's parading around as the Vietnam vet with 3 purple hearts having all the men he served with announced before he comes on to speak, all the while voting against measures to support troops - repeatedly.

And how do you like this concept - we just want to be friends with the whoooooole world - international buddies. Damn Bush for sending jobs overseas to those Chinese. To hell with the Mexicans. Sounds like a schizophrenic pageant barbie doll.

Now for the final blow....the Wall Street Journal covered Kerry's economic plan, which shortened is: Levy taxes on the wealthy and corporations and give tax breaks to the middle class, then add a TON of new social programs, and then half the deficit. Wow, better hope those rich guys are really raking it in.


Know, completely separate from politics,
Advice on 14thc. French Room decorating - taking the focus off the room and putting it onto its inhabitants.
A good room includes:
~Attention to detail
~Indulges multiple senses
~Has a transporting, fantastical quality.

Written by a woman giving a review of a museum that recently added risque mannequins to bring stiff French rooms to life. Read her article here - http://slate.msn.com/id/2104300/ on slate magazine. Great magazine by the way.

And now for a quote from a philosophy book I'm reading
"Another test of any religious person or any 'religious nation,' is whether that person or nation needs an enemy, somebody or some group to scapegoat or demonize." Lou Marinoff - Therapy for the Sane

And one last thing from Oswald Chambers
"We are not true to one another as FACTS; we are true only to our IDEAS of one another. Everything is either delightful and fine or mean and dastardly, according to our idea."

Current Mood:

grumpy